[music] Thanks for tuning in to Jin and Tantra Spirituality with the Twist. You have Daniel driving the ship today joined with our contributing partner Fedra Dope. Fedra, nice to have you with us today. Um,

so I was doing some research as we all do. I mean, if we can even call it research when you go online and look for [...] you know what I'm saying? like it's just, you know, but things tend to fall into your way and and uh somebody posted something that I found to be quite interesting uh in terms of getting you to think about yourself and your life and who you are actually. And so there was a question that somebody asked and I got to give credit to where credit is due uh guy by the name of Daryl two times. He is on uh Facebook and Instagram and all that kind of stuff. So someone asked him a question. And I said um who are you when you are not in survival mode? So that's the kind of premise of this of these questions. So he gave not an answer but he responded with five questions. Now I don't know where he got them. I'm just borrowing them from from the prompt and then we're going to have a discussion about it. So that's it is who are you when you are not in survival mode? What kind of person are you? And the questions that he asked are are as follows. And then Fedra and I will break down and discuss but just to kind of give you the lead in. So uh the first one the first question is what do you enjoy simply because it brings you joy? The next what does rest feel like when you're not feeling guilty about it? When you feel safe and unhurried what kind of person do you naturally become? Who am I when I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone, even myself? And what parts of my personality have I hidden to feel safe or accepted? Now, I will leave these questions in the description of the video so that if you could just listen to this passively and then if you want to go and answer them for yourself, uh that'll be there for you. And so with that as our uh leadin, Fedra, I'll let you uh get the first crack here. All right. Thank you. Um, so yeah, I like this little bit of a different take. We've been doing a lot of fun episodes, so it's kind of fun to do something where we just kind of get to know each other. And so, thanks for these amazing questions.

Um, and doing your research, which I think is important what we do.

Yes.

Um, okay. So, let's hop right in to the first question, which was, what do you enjoy simply because it brings you joy? Mhm.

Um, for me, dance like it's the way it's healing. It's my medicine. It music of course drives that, but being able to move my body, move emotions through my body. It just brings such a sense of joy. And it doesn't even have to be like extreme dancing. It's like I'm at the grocery store and the song comes on and I'm just like dancing with my shopping cart. Like it's just it's such a healing experience in many ways. So I think that would be the answer to that.

Yeah. So you

So I looked at this I looked at these questions and I went I tried to go one one level more meta. Um

Yeah.

And I this one and so each of them have their own little break like I guess like I don't want to call it a psychological breakdown but a psychosspiritual breakdown. And so the overarching theme on all of these questions is this from my perspective is an aspect of judgment. You know being free of judgment and then looking at different facets of our personalities right from a judgmentfree place external or internal right. So who are we without concern of external validation you know and so that that the asking the question what brings you joy simply because it brings you joy in my mind could also be interpreted as what brings you joy if it has no external value to anyone but yourself you know and the way that I answered this or that I looked at this is what makes you re refraraming this what makes you feel alive

you know what I'm saying and so from from there then I just said well like much like yourself music self-expression right um like doing something that brings about at least for me doing something that brings about the uh look of realization in someone else's eyes

which I think is also like a recognition of that alive sensation in someone else

and so it's equal it's equally uh like fun and good and and joyful for me to experience like what you what you were expressing, right? Like just being joyful and and dancing or with singing, you know, something like this. But then

equally um like we talked about this during our our relationship episodes like with compersion, like seeing your partner get pleasure, like I am equally as pleased seeing other people being in that same state. Like I really I really love that. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Yeah. So um so yeah. So you'd say music, dancing, just that's kind of like where you'd go. That's joyful for you on all aspects.

Yeah, music, dancing, and and seeing the recognition um of someone else when they when they have someone has a realization like this is a I thought about this for a little bit. When someone else has a realization, when someone else understands something, when someone else makes a leap, when someone is relieved of something, like when you just see there's a shift in someone's eyes. Yeah. you know that yes, maybe they they might express it verbally, but but you see it on them. You see it in them and you're like, damn, there that's a that's a change from a minute ago, an hour ago, a day ago, a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, however long, you know, until right now. You know what I mean? Does that make sense?

Yeah, for sure. I think um interestingly you put it that way because recently I was out with um friends of mine and um it was the first time I went out with this particular person and we went to a house music thing. This was the like that day party that we talked about.

Yeah.

And later on that night he was like you know Fedra because one of my high on my like my number one when it comes to my values is freedom. Daniel, you know that. Um, and he was like, Fedra, watching you dance was I see the freedom in your dancing

because how you dance expresses how much freedom is important to you.

And he and he was just like so understanding and like loving about it. And it was just like that moment. And like when I go go dance and I did all this stuff, it was like, you know, I was dancing because I was getting energy from the people, but really listening to it and it's such an expression of my values. And it was it and in that moment when he said that, it took me to understanding that like I while that this is like therapeutic for me and I just I needed that time like other people and like I had a woman that day she's like, "Oh my god, I saw you dancing." And she's like, "And I just needed to dance, too." She's like, "I wasn't really dancing." And she's like, "You inspired me to dance."

And I was just like, "Holy cow." Like that's powerful. I love it. But you watching that special.

Well, you're also a bit of a voyer as well, so you know. [laughter]

Yeah, I am.

Yeah.

Quite quite the voyer for sure.

Yeah. Yeah.

Um

Yeah. It's interesting when people give you um they say, "Oh, they say, "Oh, I really enjoy you or whatever." And you're like, "Oh, what about me?" They're like, "No, just you." And you're like, "Wait, what?" They're like, "Yeah, you know, just you doing you." And you're like, "I have no idea what that means." But I think what means to say is that like someone's inspired by your authenticity, someone's inspired by your uh expression of freedom, your creative expression of yourself, you know?

Yeah.

Okay. So, the next one is um what does rest feel like when you're not feeling guilty about it?

You you take that one first.

Okay. So I think what does rest feel like when you don't feel guilty about it? First of all, in order for me to be actually deeply restful and not feel guilty about it, there cannot be any alarms. There cannot be any schedule. There cannot be any um pressure to do anywhere, to go anywhere, to do anything like you have to be free of those things. And that's actually very rare um given that we're locked into time as in moving forward. And so you're going to have something. So I think people look, you know, to vacation for something like this or if you can make some time in your day or week or whatever, um, to not have that, but then also being able to, you know, pair it down even tighter to be able to take breaks, you know, and allow yourself to have, um, a break. And what I find actually is that like I have questions, questions arise, thoughts start to become a little bit more spaced out. I start to uh wonder more about life just in general.

Um I I mean of course the the the it's trit to say, but like you know you feel more present. You're you're definitely in the moment. You're not concerned about what you have to do in a little bit or what you know being efficient. So you have to do your time in a certain way but you can expand. You could do things a little bit more slowly. And for me uh the biggest thing is just like what is the larger meaning? Is there a larger meaning? Not what is it. Is there a larger meaning? What you know what if I had more free time? What would I think about? How much am I distracting myself with scheduling with working with whatever? You know what I mean? Am I right?

Things like the these types of things come up. That's that's tend to where that's where I tend to go. Um, I don't know if that's restful or not, but those that's what emerges. It seems like they sort of like bubble up from underneath the surface when I have time to let them come up.

So, I'm hearing that you when it comes to rest, your restful period is is best spent contemplating, thinking, like you spend your rest like analyzing or processing. Uh, no. Pondering is a better way of pondering. Yeah, I'm not Yeah, I'm not taking in material. I'm breaking. I'm just like

expanding. I allow my mind to kind of like expand.

Got it. That's fair. Okay. So, yeah, it's not processing. It's just

asking the questions of the world.

Yes. Yes.

Okay, that's good. Yeah, I could see that as being restful. I think Yeah, some people would be like, "No, it's not." But uh I think pondering is good. I mean do you ever write those question like the things that you ponder? Do you write them down so that you have like when you're not wet?

Sometimes.

Yeah. Yeah. On occasion it's it's not regular. I think uh somebody else might call this daydreaming also.

Oh yeah.

Which that's good.

Which we don't do. I mean it's a lost unfortunately it's a lost art. And the reason being for that is that I don't like to use military terms, but there is a war a real for real war on your attention, right?

Yeah.

So meta meta moment even as we're recording this other, you know, and then we get it published and everything comes up and people listen to it. We are you are giving us your attention whether you're doing this audio video, whether you're multitasking or whatever, your attention is on what it is that we're saying. You're pondering the things that we're saying. But what people don't do very much anymore now they call it digital detox which is like right the fact that you have to say the say the fact that you have to mention that something is toxic to you therefore you need to detox from it should be uh clue enough that it's we're doing it too much but we're always distracted. We're always distracted. Multitasking is uh a way of life. And what happens when we're distracted is that we don't daydream. And the spaces between the thoughts where we used to just sort of free associate, ponder freely, allow imaginative kind of creative solutions to arise or be wrong, you know, and then worry, you know, not worry, but like look into why it is that we're wrong about something in order to learn something better or different.

That doesn't happen very often. So, I find that I my my mind and my thoughts can relax and expand when I'm not having to be uh on a schedule of any type.

You're right.

Yeah. Um I hear you on that. I I feel very similarly. I think that for me um rest for me rest feels like waking up. So, Sundays, okay, like I'm I'm not someone I'm I'm always a 4M. I get up at 4:00 a.m. every day

and Sundays I don't work like I've I've consciously taken Sundays to be a full day. Now I have I'll make plans or do have things to do later in the day. Um but I try to make Sundays my day to not have to do something first thing in the morning.

Um so I don't set an alarm.

My my lamp doesn't come on at 4 a.m. or whatever time. Um my body will naturally wake up which is still like 56 in the morning. Sure. But it's still sleeping in and like you said and then I spend time like I get up I allow myself not to do my natural or my needed um routines like during the week I wake up my alarm is meditation. So as the first thing I hear is whether it's affirmations meditations things like that the first 30 minutes of my morning at 4 4 to 4:30 is I put my like red light mask on. I sit there and I meditate. So my body is still in the soma coma. I'm still resting, but I'm like working on brain stuff and I'm learning something. Sundays I allow myself to just not that I don't like doing that, but I'm just like I'm just going to wake up when I wake up and like you said, think about things. Um ponder, daydream. Mhm.

Um, at some points in time it's like analyzing situations. So, I do get more into a like processing moment.

Mhm.

But to me, it's still resting because I'm just allowing my body to do what's freely coming up without any intention. So, it's like a lack of intention and just letting me be me on a Sunday morning.

That That's a good Yeah, intent. Yeah. I mean there is an intention to rest but like lack of lack of will to do your being.

Less doing more being.

Yes.

So yeah.

Yeah. No, I like that one. All right.

Yeah.

The next one here is uh when you feel safe andor unhurried, what kind of person do you naturally become?

So

this is a yeah, this is a hard question. So this one, so let me give you a little bit of context on this. So um there is something and and I you know because I was looking up some of this just like online and so this one in particular uh is called there's something known as hurry sickness.

Oh

yes. And so hurry sickness is a and I I'll just take this straight from uh internet uh definition. Uh a chronic feeling of urgency and the compulsive need to rush through life. People experiencing hurry sickness often find themselves constantly pressured for time leading to a pattern of frantic behavior, multitasking, and frequently checking the clock. These people have an anxious sense of urgency, always being behind or feeling like they're always behind and constantly racing to accomplish tasks. More often related to type A personalities. This can lead to obviously increased levels of stress, anxiety, uh and then negative impacts on uh mental and you know physical health. Obvious kind of a thing. Physically, you have, you know, for our medical folks, increased levels of cortisol. Um, and then obviously you're going to have influences on your blood sugar, which is going to make you kind of go up and down, potential higher blood pressure. And then I guess I could say the last piece of it, like emotionally, probably a little bit more irritable, uh, probably a little bit more uh, sensitive, a little bit more, you know, I don't want to say easily triggered, but, you know, on the edge, if you will, restless.

Um,

you're in fight mode.

Yeah. they have a harder time relaxing and they can be a little bit um task oriented, therefore kind of emotionally sort of numb, you know, like I have to get I can't think about that right now. I got to get this done,

you know. So, I I wanted So, I gave all of that because I found that to be quite interesting that there's a thing that's associated with this this hurry sickness.

Oo, I was down with that sickness for a very long part of my life.

What's that band? I'm down with the s. Get down with the sickness. I forgot.

Oh, was wait down with the Was that

Yeah.

Oh, I hear the song in my head.

Yeah. Yeah.

It wasn't System of a Down. It was

No.

Wait, no.

Oh, Disturbed. Sorry. Disturbed. Disturbed.

Is it? I don't think so.

Yeah, I just I looked it up.

Oh, you looked up with Disturbed.

Yeah, it's Disturbed for sure.

Um, so I definitely I made a very conscious decision years ago. um probably like before 2020, I'd say 2019, 2018 that um I was living that life. I was always like,

you know, just making my appointments, scheduling things on like the dot, scheduling, and you know, Dave would be the one that like would always call me out. He'd be like, "You like schedule things minute to minute." because he's the type of person that was just like he needs time to like sit and relax and I was like no I'm gonna get home I'm gonna get dressed in five minutes then I need 10 minutes to like poop and then we're gonna go and then we can go on to the next thing and then we have this other thing right after that so it's going to take us 15 minutes to get there and

I was always just like scheduling everything minute to minute back to back and it it's a lack of boundaries

time boundaries and like boundaries with other people, always having to say yes, people pleasing, blah blah blah blah blah.

Yeah.

So, when I started getting more in tune with my boundaries, that's when that hurried syndrome. And then I like left a little like I knew it's only going to take me 15 minutes to get there, but I'm leaving a half hour because [...] happens,

right? And I started just doing that in life in general and giving myself a Sunday off, half of a Wednesday off and creating those boundaries, which is just like, you know, not that I still don't plan things minute to minute sometimes because that's just, you know, when it comes to fun things, that's what I do,

right?

Um, but yeah, so I can see that hurry syndrome and it is it's taxing on the nervous system like you were talking about the cortisol. Like I was like fluffy as [...] for years and it was like because I was like always like

wake up in the morning boom boom boom boom boom.

Yeah.

So yeah. Um so I guess now when I feel safe and unhurried I don't think I change as a person but like I am a very peaceful relaxed person

and I think that people don't see that because like you can look at my Instagram and I'm just like in one day I've got a story that's I'm in like five different places and I'm always experiencing because I love experiences. I always say yes cuz I love opportunity.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, but I think when I'm feeling safe and unhurried, it's like I just want to like lay on the couch. I want to cuddle. I want to just be held and loved and if it's with somebody else or if it's with myself, like I just want to like wrap myself up in my blanket and be still.

Yeah. And people don't see that because they're always like, "You're always doing something." I'm like, "Well, sometimes that something is self-care and I'm just sitting at home." Like, I say no, not because I'm doing something else, but I'm doing me.

Yeah. Yeah. I there. So, I uh played football, all kinds of football. Um and but I played for a long time after I finished college in uh a flag league and I got more hurt in that flag league than I ever did anywhere else. [laughter]

Really?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. For sure. So, I broke my foot. I had to have a plate put in there, which is why I stopped. But a year before I broke my foot, I broke my nose. Somebody kind of pushed me from behind and I fell forward and and I fell directly into someone's knee while they were as they were running. And so, um, it's kind of a, you know, interesting story, not really, but just sort of wild. I So, I I blacked out for just a second, you know, cuz I didn't know what happened. And then I found myself kind of like on on my knees sort of, you know, and I looked down at my shirt. It's all covered in blood. And I was like, that's weird. And I started to breathe out of my nose and I I couldn't breathe it out. I thought my nose was stuffed. It was stuffed with like blood and bone particles. You know what I'm saying?

Oh my god.

I went in the bathroom just to make sure that like the bone wasn't sticking out. It wasn't a little bit, but not too bad. So, I drove myself to Walgreens and Whole Foods to go buy the stuff I need. Meanwhile, I'm holding the door open for people, you know, helping their carts. No one asked, by the way, no one asked me if I was okay at all.

Really,

nobody said a word to me. Nobody said a word to me. And this is like a Sunday at around 12:00, so it's going to be busy at the stores, people grocery shopping. It was kind of wild. Anyh who, so I so I'm sharing this for this re particular reason. I created what I called lazy island and so I took I had a futon and I took it off the off the uh you know what do you want to call it frame.

Yeah. And I just put it on the middle of the floor in the living room and I brought all of my stuff you know all my gauze and all like electrolytes and food and salt tablets and whatever else and I said I ain't moving from here. That's it. So, I just stayed on lazy island uh for probably about 3 days, you know, and that was that was the that was the my unhurried place, you know? So, like who do I become when there's no uh hurry sickness? Lazy as [...] sometimes, you know?

Yeah.

Do you still do that with pillows where you just like put them in the middle of the room and lay on the floor?

No, I don't.

A That's kind of a cute idea. I like that. I think I might.

It's like making yourself a fort when you were a little kid.

Exactly. Agree. I think people I think little kids that make forts and love forts they

as adults as they as as we grow cuz I was a fort person.

Yeah.

Like we love that space like we're going to be totally fine being alone.

Sure.

And having our space.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean sometime I don't mind tents and and on occasion I actually will uh pitch a tent.

Okay. Um that was my attempt at humor. All right.

Thank you for sharing that, Daniel.

You're welcome.

Thanks for that.

Yeah. Yeah. So, the next one, uh, who am I when I am not trying to prove anything to anyone, even myself?

And so,

take that one first.

Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, I would say that this this question seems to be uh dancing around authenticity.

Yeah. your kind of like unfiltered, uninhibited self-expression, your way of being, you know. Um, and you know, I mean, all these questions are related and they're related to relaxing from judgment in my opinion, right? That seems to be kind of like what's woven through all of this

or, you know, productivity, whatever, right? Like

if you're hurrying up because you want to get things done is because you want to be someone or yourself to say, "I'm efficient. I can do a lot. I can get all this done. Don't worry. You can rely on me. I'm a reliable person. You can trust me. You know, you can trust

trust things too. I You can trust me. I'll be there 100%.

Yeah. [snorts] Yeah. Yeah. Trust me. Or maybe more importantly, I can trust myself.

Can you

You're

should you be able to trust yourself? I don't know. I mean the Yeah. I mean, there's the deeper question is who are we, right? Which we always ask on here, but like who is asking the question, can I trust myself? And who is answering it? And if you are you, then shouldn't you know the answer? Why would you have to ask this question? But we're asking and we're answering. So we're also crazy at the same time. So hello. Um so who am I trying who am I uh when I am not trying to prove anyone to any anything to anyone even myself uh my authentic you know my authentic being and and I could say that like this has been coming up more this this one in out of all the ones this is the one that has been

very prevalent over the last you know really the last few months last couple months um for myself

and and I could say like my sense of humor is far dirtier ier. Far dirtier for sure.

No way.

Yes, absolutely. You'd be surprised. Um

I wouldn't.

Yeah. Well, I mean, others might, but you know, whoever. I I've and and I and I asked actually I said this yesterday. I was by or two days ago I was by someone's house and I was leaving and I was working with them. I said, "I really appreciate because I've been working with these people for many years now. Eight years maybe." said, "I really appreciate uh your guys being so awesome, you know, and like after we finished working together, I sat there." He's like, "Oh, do you want lunch?" And I was like, "No, I brought food." He goes, "Oh, well, I'm going to I'll hang out with you while you eat, you know." So, he grabbed some chips and some water and sat down, you know, whatever. So, we And I said I said, "You know, I really do feel like I could be myself and you guys and I could do what anything basically and you guys wouldn't judge me for it." And um yeah, the husband was like, "Yeah, no, not at all." And I and I think hearing that was something that was that was that was nice to hear. You know, I think sometimes it's implicit with your with your friends,

but also I want to consciously take away implicit understandings, which is, you know, we've been doing this the series on cults, and that's not part of this episode, but this is kind of like we're in the mindset of like removing uh any implicit influences, right? And the implicit influence on all of these things in my opinion is is judgment, you know, and removing these judgments. Oh yeah.

And so when you're hanging out with your friends or even your family members or your partner or partners depending on what you're into or not into, you know, there is an in an an implicit um self bias of being accepted or at least that's what we're hoping for

for sure.

And I think it's just maybe nice to ask if that's actually the case. What can I do to you know we always ask like okay what turn someone's okay what what what do what are your boundaries tell me your yeses tell me your nos too but more give me more yeses I want to play in the field of pleasure give me more of your yeses let's do more of that

but then you know how much are we missing out by asking somebody what what can I do that would like not just turn you off move away from the the the pleasure aspect but as a friend like is there something that I could do you know I mean realistically say you know outside of murder or you know some other you know rword you know what I mean

is there outside of crime like and depending on the crime depending on it doesn't matter just ask is there what can I do that would make you um abandon our friendship or change the way that you would look at me and I can only speak for myself Fedra you know you're in my life and you know this is coming from a 100% authentic place and so for those people who are hearing this you know what I'm saying that whatever are listening um friends, former friends or none of the above. This is a really important question to ask cuz I'm just for me I never asked that question because I always made the assumption that the that answer

was nothing that that answer would be forever infinitely. There's nothing you could do. There's nothing you could do. We love you.

Yeah.

And and I thought that I earned that.

Yeah. The mistake that I made was thinking I needed to earn anything. You don't have to earn anything for anybody to love you ever. That is merit-based love. That is transactional. It is superficial. And that is not love.

Yeah.

That is conditional. And that is exactly what we are trying to move away from from being judged and judging others. in the process of that unfolding. It has been a very difficult experience, you know, to have that kind of thing thrown um in my life and then see it ripple in the lives of many others. But in the process of of all of that unfolding, I can now sit here genuinely with you, have a have a meta conversation about my actual life that you are actually a part of and have witnessed and as a person who was sharing this openly and say I never wanted not to be able to ask that question to anybody ever again and not have the answer clearly because for me and I'll just say for me Federra for you there is nothing that you can do that would make me look at you differently. You know what I'm saying? Now, can I be disappointed in some, you know, you you know, whatever. If you [...] your life up in some way, I could be like, "Oh, shit." You know, can I help you?

And then that's up to you to say yes or no. That that's my role as a friend, as a as a lover of people in my circle, as a, you know, compassionate human being. I feel like that's my role. But I understand my role is just different from everybody else's. And everybody else has to feel empowered and authentic in their role to do their their job. So, um, what am I trying to prove? Nothing.

You went on a really beautiful tangent and thank you for saying that.

So, who are you when you're not trying to prove anybody else, even yourself?

Oh, man. I'm love. I mean, I'm I'm pure. like, you know, what you just said like struck a chord with me in many ways cuz

like and and you know, you knew it would.

Yeah. [laughter]

But um I just when I'm sitting there just looking around at like, you know, I'm renting a house right now. It's old. It's cute. It's like, you know, it's nothing like I I go to, you know, you you and me both, we go to places and like you're like, "Wow, this is amazing." Um, I can sit there and have so much gratitude for the people in my life.

Mhm.

Just being like sitting there having plants growing

and like, oh my god, you guys love me enough to like grow and I'm like

nurturing you. Um,

the simple like I just love like consistently and purely and I can open up my heart

and that's just me and it's like and I love that about me, you know, it's it's not always worked. It doesn't always feel good,

right?

Because I I can do that.

Yeah.

But I also don't judge on that, you know, like like you were talking about, everyone has their own limitations and they're like, you know, they they do things the way that they do. But [snorts] I think every day when I'm not trying to prove anything, I still can sit there in my own skin and just feel love for everything and gratitude. And so I would say

purely um that love is like it drives me and it's just who I am.

Yeah.

Nice. I think the last thing I'll say is that even though like who am I, you know, like who am I when I'm trying to not, you know, prove anything to anybody else. I'm I'm myself, whatever that version is. I also respect and and as do you that other people have boundaries, likes and not likes, and they may not feel in accordance with, you know, if I'm doing X Y or Z or you're doing XYZ and and we have to respect, we have to respect that that part of it as well. um because they are doing the best for themselves at that time and so that all that has to be um taken into consideration but but I I I think the benefit in these questions is that like these are eye questions.

Yes. you know, these are eye questions and that is is nice because at least for me, I have a um I don't want to call it people pleasing, but I I I like it I like call it like to call it regulating, you know, and being um a person who is does does a lot of organizing

that is an aspect of my personality and the personality of a lot of people who organize

when they when they're actually organizers and try to get people like in involved from the bottom up, not are leading from the top down, which is doesn't really work unless there's a power structure or I'll put it this way an incentive structure involved to get people to acquies their own desires in order to fall in line. Um but if you're trying to lead as a community with you know hand in hand you do have to

be yourself and get other people motivated in a different kind of a way and and yeah so anyways that's

that's that part. Okay. Um the the last one here. What parts of your personality have you hidden to feel safe or accepted? Uh this was another tough one cuz well no it's not that tough actually. I have a very clear answer, but I wanted to go deep and um I don't know if I hide it because I don't think I hide things very well. Like walking into a room and having people look at me like, "Whoa, what's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I'm smiling. Nothing's wrong with me. What are you talking about?" They're like, "Yeah, no, you are your light is like shadowed by something and you're not walking through this room feeling great." Yeah.

Um, so

I think for me it's um that I hide is like and I'm working on it and it's gotten so much better. But I think historically like like shame

like this shameful part of me that like has bound me to years of just like thinking very much less of myself even though like you know I can walk in and

there's self shame and I'm I'm really I've worked on this for years and like I'm finally at a point in my life where it's like I'm not just listening to like advice or listening to therapists and things like that. It's like, [snorts] okay, yeah, I'm know I'm ready now. Like I like my body is fully in it and understanding and um so yeah, I think that's just a huge part of me that not many people would know unless you really do know me and you're like, "Yeah, Fedro, we knew this.

We knew this."

Um yeah, so shaming and like self shame for sure. Yeah, I think this one this one clearly is the one that is most poignantly represented by judgment, right? That that's what that's what this one is for sure in my opinion. And so yeah and when you know upon judgment that is what happens you are convicted right that is it. So now you are a blank you are a bad person. You are a dummy you are a cheater. You are a liar. you are a thief, you are something, you know, all of the things that you know would that would people would shame others for, you know.

Yeah.

Um and yeah, that that part is just such a strong aspect of who we are. It really is. Now, is that who we are or is that how we've been conditioned to be? I cannot say because it's so deeply innate, you know, and even the aspects of this question, what parts of your personality have you hidden? Well, if you've hidden them, I'm not sure that you know them.

I'm not sure that we even really know this. You know, if we if we take the Yungian approach and say that this is an aspect of of our shadow,

you're not going to really see it. It's often unconscious. You know, these are behaviors that

Yeah. that they they lie outside the level of our awareness, but they're part of who we are. So, we really do need a community of people, trusted people or or a partner or two or whatever to kind of help to put a mirror up. And

yeah,

that that term I don't like a lot in general because someone say, "Well, I'm just your mirror." And I'm like, "No, you're not my mirror on a on a on a macro on a physical sense, right? Like, you make your own decisions and do your own things and you're choosing to do what you do as a person, but you're showing up for me as who you want to be. You're not you're not intentionally mimicking my behavior. You are in you are intentionally being your own person. I hope you know in this state. So no, it's not an exact mirror. But what I mean by that specifically is that people who are close to you, who are observational and not judgmental that can help you to see patterns because those the best ways in my opinion for us to see part aspects of ourselves that are hidden is through patterns. It's very difficult to go, "Oh, you have this thing." and be right about it and not and and be able to kind of break it down further. But they can say, "Oh, Fedra, do you know you do this all the time?"

Yeah.

And you be like, "Wait a minute. What are you talking about?" Oh, well, whenever this happens, you you you do this. And that is

Oh my god. I'm sorry. I need to get my charger. I'm so sorry.

You're good. No problem. No, you're good. Keep going. It's just something that like we're we're unaware of and have to um often have to has to be brought to our attention in order for us to kind of work on it, right? To change it or however you want to call it. So, so answering this, um what parts of my personality have I hidden to feel safe or accepted? I can say I don't know because yeah, I really I really I've thought about it and I'm not quite sure because whatever parts of me that have done that haven't done it pretty well. Um

I think the only thing that I could say on it yeah it's the judgment piece. It's a and that and it's it's hard for myself to judge my own actions, my own behaviors on me and then feeling that externally as well, you know. So it it resides. I don't like to be judged by others and I don't like to judge myself and I don't like to judge others and I don't like when they judge themselves. And so all of this is is I know it doesn't exactly answer this question, but that's the best way that I could that I could say it's dancing around that critical eye of what we should or shouldn't be doing, you know. So

not great, but there it is.

No, I Yeah, it was a little bit of run, but point taken. Um

cuz it is Yeah, I guess when you like answering that like I know consciously I think that shame I I I hide from people but that's when when you think about it it's like okay that's what I consciously think that I hide but is it really hiding because people see it like

right

in talking with people about certain situations. So I think you're right like I don't know

if we're hiding it from others we're probably hiding it from ourselves.

Yeah.

So then that answer is like really hard. So there's conscious things that we might hide whether it's you know like bad habits or addictions things like that. And I wonder, we think we're hiding it, but those people that really know us and are close to us are like, "Bitch, you ain't hiding shit."

Right.

We see that.

They know. Yeah. They know it.

Yeah. Like, we see this and like when you can name it and, you know, be conscious of it. You're not hiding it, though. And so, I think that that's just like an op um that idea of like what we're hiding.

We're not really hiding it because it's coming out in some way. I don't truly think we can hide.

No, not really. We overcompensate. And some people will hide what they believe to be um insufficiency. So someone trying to hide their lack of intellect by being

overly geralous or overly v uh you know with a higher amount of vocabulary more eloquent.

Yeah.

You know um or someone will hide their uh insecurities with uh being very assertive,

right?

Yes. Um, someone will hide their own beliefs, you know, again on a social uh psychological perspective, someone will hide their own true feelings in order to fit in. And I think that's where a lot of this ends up being is is in the conformist uh vein of being is that people will hide what they really believe

in order to make sure that they maintain the the coherence with them and their people around them, you know. And that part is dangerous. That's the dangerous part is that you will be willing, you know, willing and and I'm not going to say eager, but very open to not expressing who you are, what you believe, and what you think such that others may not judge you, but not so that you can be ostracized so that you can continue to fit in the mold, so that you'll have people around you who quote unquote agree with you, even though you might not totally agree with them in the first place. But it's almost better to not be alone and and have some cognitive dissonance than it is to have cognitive dissonance and be uh in a a pool of one. You know what I'm saying? I think that fear is a is a deep thing

and it's just not it's not really healthy. And then you know in in some of the other episodes that we're doing, we're we're addressing this issue in particular. Um I don't believe that uh any block of individuals is a monolith. You know, I really I don't think so. But I think overall people want to fit in more than they want to be ostracized or you know uh communicated. So they make the sacrifices and

have the talking points and have the narrative rolling in their mind that this is who they are. So therefore they kind of just take those things and they may differ here or there but the the questions these questions in particular uh are nice to kind of like find out who you are as a as an authentic being and then um bring that idea or that practice of questioning who you are and what you believe in as a practice for yourself moving forward so that you can do the kind of deeper work on what the [...] it is you actually believe. you know, and ask do these people believe me around do the people around me believe in the way that I do and if not then maybe I don't need to be associated with them.

Yeah,

for sure. I think that in these questions just even like as as your own personal self-care and and self-reflection and just being more self-aware, period. Mhm.

I think that these questions are like good check-in questions to just remind you,

remind you, remind myself. Like I could look back at these questions and be like, "Oh, I forgot this." Like, "I forgot this was." It's like reminding yourself of your values and your intentions, right? It's

having these moments of checking in and having questions that you just ask yourself and you're like, "Oh, yeah. This is what I think and this is who I am and this is what I do." And

yeah.

Um, and they're great, you know, they're great dinner table conversations, you know. It gets it gets really and it's an intimate deep thinking question with a group of people who even if you've known them for half your life.

These aren't questions that you would normally ask. So it does and I I'm just saying this because I did this with people. Um it's a really special moment to ask these questions and I think we'd all be surprised a little bit in some of the questions like what the answers are.

Yeah. Yeah. So as a as a summer I'll go over one more time just so people have them here. Uh, what do you enjoy simply because it brings you joy? What does rest feel like when you're not feeling guilty about it? When you feel safe and unhurried, what kind of person do you naturally become? Who am I when I'm not even trying to prove anything to myself or anyone else? And what parts of my personality have I hidden to feel safe or accepted? Federra, thanks for uh coming on and uh and doing this with me. This is a fun uh a fun little jaunt here. Um audience, thank you for tuning in. Uh we definitely appreciate everybody's uh input and you know participation. If you have any uh questions or comments or whatever, leave them in the YouTube uh video section or uh hit us up on the DMs on the gram at the jin and tantra podcast. Uh if you want to get a hold of Fedra for anything in particular, uh no dickpicks, uh then you could, you know, email us at jynantragmail.com. [laughter] jin andtragmail.com.

Thanks.

Yeah,

thanks for that.

Of course. And for this is Daniel. We'll catch you guys in the next one. Peace. Bye. [music]