[Music] thanks for tuning in to J Jin and Tantra spirituality with the twist I like to make mistakes at certain points you know it's like uh it takes the pressure off you know what I'm saying like uh but yeah thanks for tuning in everybody um we have with us once again friend of the show contributor uh fedra uh fedra the extraordinaire uh hello episode we did yeah episode we did before for was uh I think the we call it the Unicorn something like this um evolution of the Unicorn there we go yes that was it yeah so that was done uh kind of like mid late last year if I remember maybe in the fall or something so you guys if you haven't seen that uh check definitely check it out and if you have seen it you know welcome back and uh thanks for being here yeah yeah for sure so um fedra thanks for being here and and we have been Eric and I have been having this discussion around well obviously we're kind of diving into like Kamasutra Karma mudra but then also uh relationship talk has been building you know really over the last year around these kind of sexualized practices the the alchemical uh transformation via desire and connection and in part of that discussion we have been recently been talking about attachment and so the episodes that we did just just recently were uh attachment from the kind of Buddhist philosophic iCal perspective and the upcoming episodes that we're going to have are going to be psychological like Western psychology uh descriptions of attachment Theory um however I wanted to have a little bit more not a more tangible conversation but you know something of a more a lived experience you know we all have experience with attachment but specifically from your experience and of course mine as well um but given that you you know you have a uh you know you live in the if I could say like the you know ethical non- monogamous uh space you know which is obviously not just you right um and so I wanted because I feel like and and I'm going to ask you this like I feel like there are most of our culture is monogamous this is the major I'll say 85 percent for sure are this way and there's they think that they are no they think that they are right they think that they are they're trying to and they say anywhere between 25 and 75% of people cheat so you know like right so that's n ethical you know right so you know G given that you're in that in that space and and with other people I think one of the things that people talk about when they're like oh I could never do that then they give the reason why they can't do that right enough time I can barely keep one person happy um you know I I I don't want to share my blank you know what I'm saying and they feel the kind of like I don't want to say jealousy but they feel that the the inklings of jealousy even before the stuff occurs you know and so I thought that it would be a fun uh a fun discussion to to to talk with you about this so I gave us a little bit of a lead in I'll ask questions and whatever but I wanted to give you a little bit of space to speak sure uh well thanks thanks for having this conversation um and uh yeah I think that now it's been yeah for whatever whatever time we were talking before there was a whole lot there and so I've definitely come um evolved a lot from that evolution of unicorn I've evolved again into enm solo poly um which is huge when it comes to attachment right because solo poly like I'm my favorite person well that's like the easiest way to say it but solo poly um like it's me like I'm about me and and um I'm a reformed attachment person I'll tell you that like I for um the the greatest or not the greatest years but for the majority of the years of my life I would say have created very unhealthy attachments to people uh whether they be friends lovers all the things is that um I think when you talk about attachment um it's interesting because uh especially unhealthy attachments you know it's it's it's a need that like you're finding something when you think about like um the those little fishies that attach themselves to a whale it's not because they love that whale it's not because they they need that whale for sustenance for you know to take them for food for life all these things and so that I kind of feel like when we talk about attachment in like negative sense or a um a need-based sense uh that's where it starts and it's it's hard to spot you know attachment in that way and in an enm or poly world uh it's enm yeah ethically non monogamous yes it's it's um it's funny because I've heard many horror stories in this lifestyle now over the last year to um especially like unicorns or single women or single men which it can be too um how they get attached to Partners or couples or whatever it is um and in this world attachment is hard because um if one is attaching and another one like there's this there's so much communication in Need for um talking and if you aren't someone El that can't can't communicate it makes even harder because um there's still feelings there's still feelings of love desire you're we're all human and so we find people that have the same desire for freedom and autonomy yeah yep um but that doesn't mean that in this desire for that you're not going to meet someone that you are like oh that maybe brings out the attachment part where um so I'm gonna ask you it okay you know we have various experiences you know in relationship right and you have experiences in this in this you know non- monogamous space and and because of that I'm going to ask do you think and based on what you've seen that even people who are trying not to be attached right or or attach just for the moment right or just for that that time do you think that attach is something again from your experience is something that happens to you or is a natural product of connection and then based on that answer how how is it that you navigate and then how is it that you've seen others navigate okay so what I hear from you you're so you're asking me um is attachment something that is happening to me or or someone and then the navigation between like on how uh on how I feel about the first answer um and how that's navigated with people that I know of let me let me say that is that right is I is I clarify that right yeah so like is do you believe it's something that happens to you or is a natural product of connection right both of course and then navigating that and why I say that is because sometimes I feel like some people when they start to like someone and they get attached to them it's almost like they don't intend on that to happen right right right right it kind of It kind of comes up and if you compare this to like traditional dating right where monogamous relationships people are looking for it they're trying to they're try I'm not gonna say trying to force it but they're like hoping that it happens that one person that fulfills all their needs like that one person you like a myriad of [...] and that one person is going to make all that happen but anyways we're not talking about that yeah but that's how I feel about that yes okay so when it comes down to the idea of it happening to us attachment I don't know if I I because I always think about now I've been doing a lot of everything like whether it's studying or or just reading or listening um about things like happening to us and um when it comes to aest attachment that is all attachment is us like each person solely it's not happening to us it's what it's our own [...] that um because we're attaching to someone no matter how someone reacts to us or what they're giving us in the moment the the love and there's so many words now right like love bombing all the those like terms these days that now there's names for which before back in the day it was just like oh that guy was a dick it's like no now there like terms or that girl was well whatever now there's terms for all these things that men and women do to each other right yeah so the attachment is something that I feel in my opinion that is born from our insecurity and this is what we provide or this is how we um project our own insecurity and UNL for ourself is by attaching to someone that is providing what we need in that moment um or that time of our life so I don't have I don't have love for myself or I don't think I'm this way and I'm lacking in the ways that I think about myself in these categories you are providing a lot of um um validity and you're providing all this stuff so now you're giving me what I need now I'm attached to that like and you could be a person this person that's providing those like things that are really like firing up those needs could also be terrible and everything else that is necessary to make a relationship work but it doesn't matter because the part of me that is in need of fulfillment of those lesser things yeah I'm attached now and so friends are like why are you he's you know he's doing this or you know she's doing that and but it doesn't matter I'm a attached to the Fulfillment that you give me in those words and those validations and that's how I feel about attachment so I don't think it's something that's happening to us it's us seeking and latching on so it I don't want to put words in your mouth but it seems what you hear it seems a little bit as if you feel attachments are unhealthy I agree yes I do think attachment is unhealthy love and respect and um I guess what I'm trying to think what the other word is um I think bonding bonding love um what's another so there's bonding and there's there's communion yes connecting connecting bonding connecting partnership yes all those words I think are like really healthy um attachment is not a very in my own world in my own knowledge and what I've seen from what attachment is is and I I guess there might be healthy attachments right I mean we're right we're playing with we're playing with semantics I'm talking about the idea of of conglomeration you know what I'm saying of Union of some type and what you're saying is that like you feel like many of the unions that you see are unhealthy because somebody is coming into it from a a place of of deficiency of lack deficiency great and that the their their partner male female male doesn't matter no is is fulfilling their their deficiencies with their whatever their love their presence their energy they're giving they're caring whatever and that it's creating a bond based on one having and one not having and then they form this kind of you know connection via this and your stance is more along the lines of like love doesn't hold yeah yeah and so and and so we can take that absolutely and so there's love connection all these things so you have someone who may not be they they might be so really self-aware and very under like knowing hey I I get it I know that I may not think the highest part of me and these things while I like really appreciate you validating this there's still other ways that we are giving back and forth I think with attachment there's not really a whole lot of equality sure in the energy given and so so yeah but there might be attachments different attachments so both people are attaching on different levels because like one person can validate this and so while that can be great for a long time or a seemingly long time or a short time um I think it's still very toxic sure and it will show up in a different way but it can still happen even when you're trying to intend Al be ethically non- monogamous oh yeah because a lot of people in non- monogamy aren't self-aware they're doing this on other reasons that aren't for them like yeah so yeah yeah okay so so so we we're gonna we're gonna come there I'm gonna just say from from my side I like to think that our Rel our communion our connections our relationships our bonds our attachments um like similar to what you said but they bring about and and when when healthy they bring about something from us they awaken something within us they that that love uh uh changes or awakens an aspect that we did not have conscious access to before that person was around us and then when we connect or come into communion whe physical or not or whatever but when you start to engage with that person it it draws something up from you it pulls something up from you and it gets you to be in a more playful state in a happier state in a whatever state and then if you immediately associate those feelings with and you Bond it to that person that is the that is the part that can be damaging because then you don't realize it's your own experience yes they're related to you and that you have to have the two pieces in order for that to AR but it is arising from you it was already there yeah yeah yes yes great I agree yeah so that that's kind of that's kind of like my side okay so so now we're in you know we're in this idea of like being aware of our energy being aware of our feelings and consciously trying to not be attached not be detached because we're in a Rel you know ethically non monogamous folks are dating just like everybody else is dating they're doing their thing whatever but they're also enjoying their time but then not not like not holding on to that person you know side by side like in a relationship or How would how would you describe it so here's the thing there's different Dynamics when it comes to enm because well and do can I can I go through some of those Dynamics go for it yeah so with in in my experience now you have um because enm for those who and and and there's been some backlash on the word enm because people are like well non- monogamy should just be ethics like why should we have to say ethically I'm like I was born a female why should I have to say I'm sis female we don't have to go into that but like that's how I feel sometimes like why do we have to add words well this is what it is this is the time we're living in we have to add words to make it a thing yeah but words have words have energy behind them yeah you know so what you're I mean basically what you're saying is like don't expect me to be your only girlfriend and you are not my only boyfriend however if we're together we are together so and yeah and so for me right now like in my own experience I yes I date I date couples and I have a partner and you know so on and so on and so for me it's like I'm present with you I want to share my things with you and I want to make sure like um my sexual health is up like is I'm I'm sexually healthy I'm emotional healthy and um that is you know of the utmost importance so um when it comes down to couples for example you've got the couples that will only play with other people them together you have couples where one of the people plays well they both play together but then they're both able to play Separate then you have couples that like one of them is like I'm just happy with you but you go do your thing yes yes I've heard of this I've heard more more recently yeah yeah they're like I can't give you all you need and that's what I was kind of like saying before is that that one person like you need more than I can give you and I'm so secure in ours and as long as I know and you tell me everything that's going on I trust that you're going to come home and this is going to actually make our relationship better because you're getting all that other stuff out of the way and but also understanding that and I've seen this where that extracurricular partner because we're human and feelings happen and so it's not always going to be that easy well just because I'm giving you the freedom to be with someone else doesn't mean that you're not going to fall in love or like or find that your needs are better met um and if I can there if I can add then to that there's and there are couple and there are there are other permutations and I'm not going to go into the which genders or whatever do this because I don't care but there are Tendencies for people to be physically allow their Partners to be physically intimate with others but not emotionally intimate yes that is that is the line okay other people no physical intimacy but totally allow them to be as emotionally intimate as they want totally and these are kind these are kind of like really big split and I'm again I'm learning you know as time goes on yeah and it's huge what's what's interesting though is even though they have those openness all right and so it's like for some of the maybe the guys who are listening they're like you could yeah dude you could bang whoever you want but you know what ends up happening those people still end up hiding things even though they have full range to do what they want it doesn't matter they still hide you and and that's the that's the that's the attachment part is like they're all almost has to be some kind of like drive like in order to really you know I don't know cuz I'm not in this world but like I would imagine in order to be like fully in it it has to be consistent work on embracing the moment and embracing the relationship outside of the context of everything else because it's certainly hotter if it's hidden but what about when it's not hidden and everybody knows does it maintain the same intensity you know what I'm saying and can you and then can you tell your partner can you Revel in your partner's pleasure and be happy for them that like oh how was your night tonight oh well you know how it is no tell me I want to know exactly how it was because it kind of like it turns me on or whatever that person right compersion which is the the term like compersion is the term of you know you find complete joy and uh satisfaction and knowing that your partner in whatever sense is happy with another person or another people everything which I love that word I think it's amazing and I'm quite the compersion Pur person and so for what you were saying about about um you know the talking and and being open with person I um I think and we we touched on this our last podcast is just I didn't have a voice because I didn't know myself and I was always scared of hurting someone else you know and like disappointing and not even hurt it was like the disappointment and the hurt and all those things that come along with being honest sometimes honey I am like just like here's all my [...] like I am so I'm so transparent now that it's probably too much and so I have to ask I have to I'm always in my life right now with my partners I said okay is it okay if I share this with you do you want to hear this what is um uh Your Capacity to take what I want to tell you right now like where you at and it's and it's a day-to-day thing because it's not just like what's your what what's going to be your capacity from now until forever every day it's going to be different and for yeah like you were saying with guys that are just like yeah this is going to be great we're just going to like be whatever no because not only now do you have to communicate with your wife or husband or whatever g whatever your sexual orentation is but you you have to communicate with them but also everyone else unless youve you've created the um like your life to be like I'm going going to be in the the the Spectrum where I really don't need to share good luck then because I mean there's plenty of people that are just like hey I'm really private we don't share like this is it like my wife or husband they're just like you can do your thing but I don't it's don't ask don't tell it's all these things um that's totally not how I am I'm very open with everyone because I'm definitely looking for quality not quantity and I need people to be honest with me because there's just a whole like level of that um like a level of just respect for myself yeah um and it's not a free-for-all like it's great to meet people but it's not like hey babe come over I've never met you it's like no right no like I have to respect myself and everyone else going with it so when it comes to attachment and you had said earlier something about um you know just letting people like you don't have to be touched I can be you know I can have this love for the people that I'm partnered with there's like a love there there's and and falling in love it's a true thing you know we really can have that and there's a security in that um and there's an openness because and then there's that respect that comes with that love and that they can love others and that I can love others and the understanding is that like love isn't just I only am in love with you and so I only can be with you and you're my only you're my world and my sun and my moon and I have to do all this for you it's like I don't I believe that there's people that that works for and it's wonderful and those are our grandparents and our parents kidding so so though so you know and I'd be remiss if I don't if I don't I I hear Eric's voice in my head right which we've talked about before numerous times but just to kind of you know rehash some of the things right so like Esther Perell you know who you know she's my oh I love her yeah she talks about this very uh openly and there kinds of like she has a spectrum of people but the on the on the two ends is exclusivist and um uniqueness people exclusiv folk are who you're talking about and it's like our love exists because we're in a closed container there is this uh what do you a loop the loop is closed the loop is closed yep right one yeah that's right and that's on one end and then of course there's a spectrum and then on the other end is probably we could say maybe in like the idealistic ethical non- monogamous folk who is like our love exists because it's Unique to us 100% And then my love exists with this one because it's Unique to us and it's Unique to us and it's Unique to us and it's uni and that's how it depending how much time and money you have you could keep going with that like right but it's and it's also like the idea that something that it's helped me with in in this world is just being able to be present with that person or people that I'm with it's not um it's not just about the intimacy of like you know intimacy sexual want to see whatever it's about the what we call the vanilla things and we call in vanilla would be like the hanging out the um going out to a fun thing it's about for me in my experience it's the friendships it's the connecting and this is why I've gotten out of I've I realize I've got gotten so much out of attachment because um I'm not looking I I this is a funny story so after we did the evolution of unicorn my godmother called me and was very worried about me oh so yeah so she was like so I accidentally came across your podcast and I'm a little worried and I accidentally that's funny it was yeah accidentally because she thought it was another podcast or another something that I put up and she clicked on the wrong link anyways um and I told her I said here's the thing I'm like my cup is so full because I filled it I'm full of the love and joy for myself right now that it is so it is my latte is all the my my mocha is all the way to the top and all these other relationships that I can I I'm having right now it's like the whipped cream the cherries the caramel the whatever sauces that you want to put on it they're making my life more enjoyable and where like another past version of myself was like so half full because I Only Could I only have the capacity for that I could only give myself so much because of my limiting beliefs and how I viewed myself the shame the guilt all these things that in the last you know five to 10 years I've worked on um I'm I'm figuring out why that even started yeah um and so now um I'm able to fully be present and and love people in in in different ways cuz love just doesn't mean one thing to me love doesn't just mean one thing I don't love you because of this or you because of that there's just like there's different ways to love and um I find it so freeing and and and and just it puts me it makes me happy to be able to say that and to be freely open with that and to say it and like mean it not because now I'm attached to you now we're bound together and I cannot ever love anyone else but to be understood and seen as someone that can say I love you and know that I do and all these things that we experience together makes me love you more and that's unique to you and to me right right you're not having this experience with anyone else like I know what I'm bringing to the table Yeah someone else is not giving in that to you bring to me and then we're not worried about right the next like another person that you can also say that you love right well it's not bringing a whole experience to it's not a competition no not at all and I'm competitive as [...] Daniel like right but I mean it's like you not in this world you go to a buffet and you're like oh there's all these things to try you know you're not like oh God this this rotisserie chicken is trash you know I need the I need the lettuce you know what I'm saying like it's not like yeah let me let me let me shift a little bit okay into like maybe something a little bit more um tangible for for you or for someone whom you know or whatever right so okay you're in you're you're practicing this this way of being right and you have different people who you engage with and whatever right we don't have to go into all that but yeah yourself or someone who you may know personally who you've been in in a relationship with or someone who you know just in in the community friends sure you know a how do you work on this non-attachment place because I don't I think it has to be worked on personally and B uh how what you know what does it look like when it arises and how is that you know what I'm saying what what is the work what is the work in this and and I will say tangentially um people do say that I ask good questions and I'm like well I've been doing this now for a number of years so I'm like I'm totally like it's I have you know yeah so you are you're a good you're a good Storyteller and you're a good like story Creator as well to do one it helps to be the other you know no which is why I'm always like I always love being like talking to you because you do you have great questions thanks yeah um and that was a good one because it's right it you're right um like any relationship it's work and so is being in the the ROM of attachment and not being attached um and I'm a Scorpio or I have I'm Scorpio stat so Scorpios are like the most jealous worst beings in the world and we will sting you right so uh so I'm dealing with that um and I'm not going to say that um I was just telling my partner this the other day I still am jealous like like I'm a jealous person and I'm very territorial like so and you can say you're like then how are you dealing with this how how how does that how does that jive when you have high levels of compersion also right uh so I thought about this recently in the last year I'm like how do I well here's a thing um I've become and worked on being my own and this is first off I worked and become so confident in myself and what I can bring to a relationship I've gotten past and I think I just said this like I've gotten past my limiting beliefs I've gotten past the things that I didn't like about myself that I saw that were less than and and like you said I while I'm still a competitive person when it comes to love and relationships um it's I I found my piece um I'm also the person that wants to hear all about because I'm nosy I want to hear all about what you did when you were talking earlier when you're just like hey how was last night and some people are like oh it was great you know I'm like I don't know can you please be more specific and I want to hear it not because I want to be like Downing myself or want to compare but it turns me on right like me hearing how much fun you had last night with another human is something that is beautiful for me and I actually find it like pleasurable yeah um and so for for the last couple years learning that um because I wasn't always like that and I still I'm territorial like if I'm going to hang out with a friend and I hear that that friend invited another friend I'm like no no I this is my time with you like I don't want to share it um but that's just and and I'm okay with that um I don't like sharing my time CT like with people all the time so how do you deal how do you deal with that in their you know Roman oh because we talked about it and it's something that we've come together like to do it I love watching and being like I I I love the idea of watching my partner be like happy and enjoying him or herself like I think it's amazing and in turn like that happens with me too um so it it's been a whirlwind because I've always um thought of myself like I just said as a jealous territorial person and while I still have that tendencies in some parts of my life when it comes to intimacy and just this idea of non- monogamy I learn that in that realm I love my freedom and sometimes it's hard I will I'll be very honest there's times like when I'm PMSing and hormones are like not normal oh that's the that is still a hard time for me because my brain isn't functioning you know I mean you know women hormonally like we we're not right I'm not going there I'm not saying anything about everybody has their own you know no definitely not all right okay we talk about lots of things we talk about lots of things do not talk about women in their hom we can talk about that at some point yeah but yeah not out here I'll say it yeah it's like don't talk about my mom but I can talk about my mom exactly um so well F let me so let me okay so I'm wanting very let me be more specific as to what I want here right okay so a little bit meta I sure we are doing you know I we this this uh this year in particular this podcast is is you know is becoming more uh more present in my life I'm putting more effort into it I'm wanting to grow it and there is a reason and I and I was able to talk about this reason earlier with a friend of ours and that it is I am a student you are a student I think everybody is a student in some fash it's just some people accept that role more or less right and you said that I can ask good questions and tell good stories I'm a therefore I am a teacher as well but equally a student just depends on if I'm listening or if I'm talking right okay and so because of this I am wanting to really kind of like intentionally bring forth the sort of internal awareness process to the level of Consciousness so that it is not something that relies on unspoken communication for people to feel or worry about or understand so with that being said and so I'm wanting to do that on a on a grander scale I want to make meditation sexy you know what I'm saying that's that's what I want to do I want to make meditation as sexy as plant medicine and plant medicine is still nowhere near its peak nowhere near its peak okay I want Med you know because meditation is difficult and it's a daily thing and it's and it's it's not just sitting and and and staring at the wall or closing your eyes or whatever it's the when I say when I say meditation I talk about reflection and change so I'm talking about cultivation so what I'm asking you with all of that being said okay intentionally right ethically non- monogamous with all of that as the lead in I'm specifically asking when you butt up against attachment feelings or right and and maybe maybe you're better about it now but how did you get how did you deal with that or maybe when you're you know when you're like you said when you're PMSing how do you internally work through those things so that it doesn't become something that is a detriment to your connection with somebody or with yourself or with the lifestyle that you enjoy living because I would imagine that you feel yes happy seeing other people hearing about other people's experiences and seeing them happy but then like you said you're also a Territorial and competitive person and I think that's part of our nature in some way right so I'm asking how do you how do you you know cultivate a sense of like non-attachment without coldness IE healthy bond that keeps you connected with that person and connected with the relationship but also not so um engaged that it puts you in an unhealthy place and makes it difficult to continue thank you for that that was a that was a very good clarification and deeper level of you know the surface level answer that I gave before so thank you or just kind of the like common denominator level um okay so let me take a second I was trying like I was trying to listen and not like get into my stuff but I think for me the change that I've gone through over the years of coming from someone that would like be more jealous is it all it all boils down to the communication between me and my partner it all boils down to how we share our experiences it really for me the the personal work that I do is just being super confident to myself and not being yeah it's it's me loving myself it's me being comfortable in my own skin being comfortable with my body being comfortable and knowing that I'm I'm like my best friend I am my best I love myself so much more than I ever have now then it's it's delightful it's just such a it brings me joy to like look at myself and you know not just be like I love you fedra but be like [...] you [...] great like just keep on doing your light your light is Luminous like you are shining and keep that going yeah and so I think for me I took that for myself right there sh it boom it's all for you baby there you go I could say if I could say so then you kind of have like self-acceptance as your means of much so much okay and so that I think and that is and once again that's on on anyone else that's listening that's on y'all like that is not something anyone can do for you I don't care like the amount of uh talk therapy you do the amount of any kinds of things that you do it's just going to hit one day yeah and it's a it's an everyday work and so when you're coming into this um it's &m is not easy because you're going to meet people that your partner likes that you don't that you like and your partner doesn't so it's going to be this and that and and and and if you're by yourself you're going to be hit with like it's just it's just it's even it's more stressful than just being monogamous um but it's worth it yikes it's worth it I mean it's worth it if you if so my my top two values is freedom and autonomy yeah and this is the life and I get to be so honest so open so free with like how listen oh this is not what you like well this is what I need this is what I want this is what I expect you can't give me that okay thank you you're wonderful but bye I don't have to be in this relationship with you I I'm not I'm not selling I'm not lowering my vibration to be with you because you're giving me attention right not happy right um I'm very happy right now with what I have going on and so anyone that wants to be part of my life I vibrate very high so if you're not at least kind of flowing with that or you're looking for that like that doesn't work with me and I'm so like [...] Centric right now if she's not happy with what you're doing and she's like girl no I listen to her every day and if she's not happy with someone then I'm not happy with them I'm not letting you infiltrate me sure because I think you're hot or I think that like you have potential and that's a big thing too I don't live on potential anymore if you that's then that's a huge thing I think especially with dating app that's all over that's all over the place right oh my god oh well he has or she has the potential no honey you can bring your potential to somebody else I am not looking for potential I'm looking for like what you are bringing right now it's also unrealistic to expect that someone's going to evolve into something else you're not accepting who they are at the moment of course love uh what do they say like uh love is like glasses that cover there there's a there's a nice uh sentence that about how it goes but love basically Smooths out all the imperfections sure um but it but but having but focusing on someone's potential doesn't focus on who they are right now you just you're only seeing the certain things so so kind of as we you know move to conclusion here I I do want to ask okay so yourself you use self-acceptance and I'm sure that within the title of self I don't mean to do air quotes but we're going to just under underline yeah within the title within the description of of self-acceptance there's probably some selft talk and positive self things that like you're enough you know you're good this is awesome all this is cool people like you yes that whole okay and so then okay so that's that's for you but now let's you have obviously friends who are in this similar Community non- monogamous Community I'm positive you have had conversations about people saying that like they're starting to catch feelings yes how let you know with with the time that we have remaining yeah how how do you you know how do you navigate those and I'm asking because I'm positive that that if I was listening to this that's what I would want to know for sure right so quickly when it comes to catching feelings so quickly um so first of all I really try to only date couples that are married because and they have a very and then have been doing this for a little bit of a like for a a while yeah um and they they have like they know what they do um um I have um been in situations where I feel that I like I won't date people like if I think that one is hotter than the other um I won't date either of them I I won't be a part of that like cuz clearly the way I my energy is I can't hide I am like I'm open so like my [...] shows if I like one person more than the other it's going to come out in a way that and I don't want to be that person in other situations um I just if I'm finding that there's more attention from one or the other um because it's usually always uh we always do like a Triad like text thread let's say yeah um and sometimes they're like very it's very honest like one person's like hey he or she's going to text you I'm usually just too busy or I don't want to text and that's fine um catching feelings when it comes on like a like a solo level where I'm just dating one person um if if I'm not feeling it then I'll let know that hey this is where I'm at with you and this is what I can provide for you and this is where it'll stop and if you have a hard time being able to accept this where I'm at then that's cool but this is all I can give you this is all I can provide for you and so you're either going to be at my level or we're just like we'll be friends or whatever like and it's friends now what does that even mean like I know how you feel you know how I feel and so if it's not equal then it's going to be really hard to be friends so the whole line of we can be friends is kind of not really truthful um but um I think there's in ways if you share common interest yeah like let's go see a show let's go you know see music or crab tea and catch up and that would be like a friend zone type of thing um I've done that recently where someone was like feeling me and I just was like no but we do we have coffee sometimes and he'll still like share all of his crazy freaking adventures with me and it's hysterical um and he'll call me for advice um and I found someone that's like special but like I had no desire to be uh in a like an intimate relationship with him but he's like been a great friend so um there is that there there's there there's a possibility for that um so that's yeah so yeah that's there's there's times when there's the want and in my case it has given me the best practice to have boundaries and to know my boundaries got it and to be able to have boundaries and that's what it's all about is know your boundaries and just don't be scared to like live those boundaries because like oh I'm so scared I'm going to piss this person off I'm going to hurt them well here's the thing that's not your that I mean your job in life is not to worry or care like that's not your problem your problem is how are you going to feel so right that's what I learned that's what I've learned in the last couple years is boundaries and it's huge I'd say boundaries is like the biggest the biggest like win in this lifestyle okay yeah which also then I guess that that's like rounding out the attachment right because if you have boundaries attachments really hard with boundaries it is and there has to be you know and in order to do this though you have to have desire like yes the desire has to be there you have to have chemistry it's um you know shout out to our uh our our Retreat coming up here that is that is sold out and and uh it's just online so if people are interested you know uh feel free and we're wrapping up anyways but you know but hit us up Jin and Tantra gmail.com or feel free to hit us up on the Instagram the Jin and Tantra podcast or like comment subscribe on wherever wherever you're seeing this at but yeah you have to have desire in order to be engaged with someone and if you find someone who has desire for you as well it's intoxicating it should be this is the most you know this is the most like I don't want to say powerful but it is it is a very powerful thing you know what I mean um I I read this earlier uh and it said that uh from this uh uh I think he's a he's a right he's an author Franchesco alberoni he's Italian it says uh falling in love rearranges all of our priorities throws the superus overboard projects a glaring light onto what is superficial and instantly discards it wow yeah it's quite nice oh my God that's so lovely yeah and I think and it's so true yeah yeah because it does when we like fall in lust or love or whatever that first thing is it really like we are very open to I mean I am I'm very open to changing a lot of things yeah like I have to be up at 4 am but I'll stay out with you till 11: that's fine yeah oh yeah it's worth it yeah it's you know because the reflection is like oh that was great you know I'm exhausted today whatever it's fine but I know I'm walking around my test up in the air yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah totally totally worth the expenditure King of the castle King of the castle that's right that's right um well fadri this was a good I really enjoyed our conversation here I thought I thought uh I thought we you I thought we did pretty good um you know thanks for thanks for contributing uh and you know we'll be back on again with you and maybe you know at some point next month so we'll February yeah yeah yeah so we'll get that off we'll figure that date out I'll look at it yeah for sure and for everybody listening thank you're watching thank you so much for tuning in you know we are uh we're trying to do our thing here so you know please uh you know like and share and whatever uh this is definitely a passion project but I hope that the uh the fires of my desire ignite the uh local area but not like La those that's a tragedy out there that's like you know anyways we wish the we wish the best for all suffering yes praying for mental physical and emotional uh and for everybody listening uh and watching this podcast thank you so much for tuning in for fedra this is Daniel we'll catch you guys in the next one peace