Ayahuasca Ceremony; Shame and Gratitude

go further into this so maybe before you bounce on that real quick and you know there's the default or network thing and the whole idea when that turns down maybe sound and sight and music just affects you in a different way yeah for sure yeah because you're not processing it in the same way you're not saying i like this because or this sounds like this it's just you're just totally here it becomes more it goes more through you it's kind of like the uh the lsd thing we were talking about when we did the other episode where like all music sounds kind of good and sounds kind of different because it's just going through the apparatus in a different way okay yeah you're more you're more easily in a flow state at that point you know so there's less persistence of stuff so um you know speaking about intention just to give people a little bit of understanding where i was at this point now um the intentions that i was working with when i was down here the first was to you know kind of open my heart whatever that meant i just thought that would be an important thing to do i wanted to become a better practitioner uh through self-healing and um so i drank the medicine and you know it's about an hour into it and they start singing and i love you know you know i play music you play music and even if you don't play music hopefully you enjoy music you know so we all have a kind of a similarity and feeling it and um and i'm really liking what i'm hearing like it's just sounds so different and so good i just i was like totally into it i was like this is great this is like a sweet concert you know and um and so in my journey now i'm i'm definitely more in it um i'm kind of nauseous at times kind of not my body temperature as i mentioned before i had a fever and chills kind of all day long but now that's kind of subsided and i'm more or less like a little warm a little cool a little more this kind of like i'm taking my jacket on and off and putting it on and off blanket on and off socks on and off if i could have took my pants on and off i would have but it wasn't really appropriate but i started to kind of get into the visions a little bit more and and they are because i didn't take that much the first day the visions were more like daydreams i could say so i i have a question and my question was how can i open my heart more and at that moment then uh christ was shown to me and i was forced to kind of look at myself and how i've built this persona around my decisions and some of the stuff that came up that you kind of i was viewing from a a topical point of view was moving from chicago to california uh going into the military right being in iraq and um these decisions and that i will say the fragrances from these decisions so the kind of lingering energetic frequencies that that lingered from making these decisions are rooted actually a lot of it in in shame for myself and some of that shame was over the choices that i left on the table over the things that i didn't choose and what would have happened if i chose differently not necessarily over the things that i did but the things that i didn't do and that was a difficult this difficult pill to swallow and so i was forced to kind of like look at these things from a new kind of perspective because they're sort of lingering underneath your normal conscious state of thinking but they're there nonetheless affecting the way that you live all the time and so here i am now looking at them and and i mean i know that like you can't know the story before it's written but i could certainly look at the process of the writing of my own story as it's happening and and i kind of had to view my own sort of masculinity at this point as something that was not just the only choice for me to always make you know there are other options like it's a flame and and you can use fire for cooking uh but you could also burn stuff um with fire right and so in this moment um i was kind of like in the middle of it and it said i heard that the the shadow of shame has been removed from your heart and your mind it is now time that you forgive yourself and once i asked about forgiven you know forgiveness i felt like a really strong sense of relief and i kind of got teary-eyed but then i started sweating and i kind of was laughing a little bit like i was purging in a different way not just through vomiting or to diarrhea but through different emotions and stuff like that and um i had just this extreme sense of gratitude for the work of their shamans in this state because i knew i wasn't going to let myself on this day throw up because i threw up earlier and the head shaman actually he he purged he threw up when he was singing to me and i you know i could be wrong about this but i felt like he did that for me because because he knew that i wouldn't you know and he's been doing this for 20 years he doesn't throw up you know i mean he does this every day like four or five days a week sometimes they just drink for fun you know what i'm saying like yeah um and so i had such gratitude such gratitude and you know for them to be in this place and bring people in and i realize they make money it's their job but it's not an easy job no it's not like a job like you're no that's not a job no it's calling it's you have to support yourself but it's not yeah yeah and it was just such a deep gratitude for them in their work and i asked myself i said how is it possible to have so much love and compassion for humanity when i don't have as much of that for myself